Short Story: “Her Numerous Progeny Prosper and Thrive”

Note: This short story was an “occasional” satire on the relatively-recent death of Queen Elizabeth II, meant to show how ridiculous some of the standards to which various sanctimonious American leftists claimed to hold her would have been in practice.

It is a well-known story, so famed among those interested in this kind of history. On February 6, 1952, a young woman of twenty-five wakes up in a treetop hotel in Kenya, a loft, an eyrie, looking out over verdant wet-season plains. A grim-faced runner comes and tells her to make her way to the nearest telephone, where she is told that her father has died peacefully over the night and she is now the queen and sovereign of vast swathes of the globe.

            What does that “sovereign” mean? What might she do with that queenhood? Not much, some argue; some people say that she is a figurehead, a pasteboard mask, an avatar of power rather than someone by whom or with whom or in whom power can actually be used. These people will tell you that she can only act according to the so-called “advice” of her servants, who in turn must be able to win votes in a democratically elected Parliament, and it is that Parliament that can do absolutely anything it likes.

            Yet some people say that weasel words are great. In theory the young woman’s powers are vast. And a good thing that she can’t use them, too, many say, given what her ancestors got up to when they could use them. Vast quantities of blood and guts, gold and silver, have been brought to bear for her family over the centuries, first to help them rule the world, then to keep them fed and happy, whatever “happy” means, while Parliament ruled the world for them. Now those blood and guts, gold and silver, are hers. Supposing they were not; supposing she attempted to divest herself of them. She is, after all, her mother’s daughter, and her mother is a woman who is reported to have said that she could only look the poor of London in the face after the family’s palace was struck by a German bomb.

            Let us suppose she does just that. “I will remain Elizabeth,” she says; her father Albert reigned as George, her uncle David as Edward, her great-grandfather Albert also as Edward, her great-great-grandmother Alexandrina as Victoria. (Alexandrina, Victoria, Alexandrina-Victoria, is the one in whose name the entity and process called the empire reached its apogee, the one who wore most famously the brilliant jewels that the poor of the earth die digging from the dark earth far away from England.) “This is my first decision—that I’ll keep my own name. My second decision is to set the world free.”

            “The world is by and large free,” her personal secretary says awkwardly. Her husband looks at her with a vague suspended-judgment sneer, as if he is waiting to see just what foolish things this mere girl whose liege man he now is will say. “The tyranny of the Nazis has been defeated, that of the Soviets is not our concern at present, and if you refer to Your Majesty’s own Empire, its tide is ebbing in most parts of the world.”

            “You are literally enacting colonial violence on black and brown bodies by saying that, Martin,” his sovereign princess warns.

            “I’m not—what does that—what the devil are you talking about? Begging your pardon, ma’am,” Martin splutters.

            “That is a whitecisheteropatriarchal thing to say if ever there was one,” says Her Majesty.

            Martin, desperately trying to wrap his head around this change in the demeanor of his new sovereign and concluding, based purely on explanatory power, that she must have come down with an acute psychiatric case of some kind upon losing her father so young, says “Yes, but…what does that mean, exactly?”

            “The remorseless logic of empire must not be allowed to continue. As I now lead the enterprise of empire, I must stop it immediately. Please prepare papers for an Order in Council instructing all British troops and administrators to withdraw from every station outside the British Isles, with immediate effect.”

            “First of all,” says Martin as patiently as he can manage, “the word ‘empire’ takes a definite or indefinite article, you’ll recall; it isn’t some sort of abstract or mass noun like ‘justice’ or ‘love’ or ‘revenge’ and I am pretty sure that is as Your Majesty well knows.”

            “Do get to the point, Martin,” says His Grace the Duke of Edinburg witheringly; he would rather end the part of the conversation involving Martin as soon as possible so that he can attempt to figure out what on earth is wrong with his wife himself.

            “Yes, of course, Your Grace,” Martin says, balancing his hands on his knees and his knees against each other gamely, or rather, in such a way as to deliberately and falsely indicate gameness. It is best, he has always heard, to tiptoe around mad monarchs when one is actually in their presence. “Second of all, Your Majesty will recall that there are very limited situations indeed in which the Crown can act without the advice of its ministers, and absolutely never against the advice of its ministers. The Conservative Party and Mr Churchill are against further retreats from our imperial holdings unless absolutely necessary, and even were an election to be held as soon as possible and the Labour Party get back in, the policy developing on their end is to withhold independence from colonies that have not adopted majority rule. Particularly with the colonies in Africa, immediate independence, especially without leaving any transitional civil servants in place to manage a peaceful break from the Home government, would result in a whole continent of South Africas or worse. Even His Majesty The King—that is, your late father, ma’am—was horrified by the way the Smuts government handled the color issue in South Africa, and of course the new government there is even worse in that regard. Do we really want Rhodesia, Nyasaland, and the rest—even Kenya!—to go the same way? All of this is, moreover, only to establish that what Your Majesty is proposing is unconstitutional and immoral. Further, it is unwise to boot.”

            “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house,” Her Majesty explains. “Let me illustrate. William?” she calls to one of the black employees of the hotel.

            “Yes, Your Majesty?” he replies. He, like everyone, is still getting used to saying “Majesty” to her rather than “Royal Highness.” He resents it perhaps a bit more than do most.

            “Would you want, upon Kenya’s independence, for there to still be British civil servants in the country?” his Queen asks him.

            “Er…not particularly,” he says. “I suppose early on it might not be so bad. Why do you ask?”

            Her Majesty turns back to her secretary. “You see, Martin, William doesn’t particularly want British civil servants, and so there’s really no need for us to force them upon him. To do so would be to reinscribe the violence of empire on his black body. William?” she calls again.

            “Yes, Your Majesty?” he replies again, noticing a reporter at the door whom he will have to go and let into the lobby once this very strange conversation concludes.

            “You may beat up my husband, if you wish,” says the Queen. “We wouldn’t want to reinforce the black brute stereotype.”

            William says “What? Why would I do that?” at the same time that the Duke of Edinburgh says “No he bloody well may not!”

            “Again,” says the Queen apologetically, “I would offer myself, since I’m at the top of the hierarchy here, were it not for the unfortunate coding that would be involved if we did that.”

            “We won’t be doing anything!” William insists, forthrightly and sternly.

            “Lilibet,” says the Duke, bracing himself against the wall and feeling very much as if he could use a good stiff glass of something naval—rum, even grog in a pinch, “I really would very much like to understand what on earth you’re talking about and who the devil you hope to impress by talking about it.”

            “Oh, spare me the toxic masculinity, Philip,” says his wife and sovereign. “None of us are going to reinforce stereotypes here. Not in my family and not in the Palace. I’ll be explaining that further to you, Martin, once I finish explaining the importance of decolonization and my refusal to be a colonizer and an oppressor.”

            “Your commitment to withdrawing from the Empire is admirable, ma’am,” said Martin, falling back into a lickspittle aspect that this job has not normally required of him so far, “but I’ll point out that a stereotype generally speaking is not reinforced by the person or persons being stereotyped.”

            “Representation,” the Queen informs him in the most withering, wintry, and regal—or reginal—tones, “matters.”

            “Er…all right; we’ll say that; we’ll go with that,” says Martin. “Permission to draw up a draft of this—this edict, or this decree, that might pass constitutional and parliamentary muster?”

            “Yes, very well,” says the Queen with a heavy sigh, as if constitutional and parliamentary muster is a consideration that exists only to distract her servants from the moral rightness that is obvious even to them. Indeed, in fairness, much of it is, or should be, obvious to Martin, to the extent that he knows what is meant by what she says.

 ❦

Martin goes into the next room and calls his superiors in the Palace—might they not be his superiors much longer? Who can say—while the Queen speaks tensely with her husband and William begins, gingerly, to let the reporters file into the hotel.

            “Yes, Tommy,” Martin says over the phone, an international line getting far more use this morning than it has in years, than anybody involved in the phone services in East Africa generally ever though that it would. “Drawing up a general statement of approval for the transformation of Empire to Commonwealth strikes me as a good idea as well.”

            “It does my heart good to hear you think so, Martin.”

            “Supposing Her Majesty declines to sign it as not forceful enough.”

            “A grim supposition,” says Tommy, “but in that event it must be said that I have helped shepherd this family through one abdication, which was really a deposition, constitutionally speaking. It would of course be a matter of deep concern for the entire Empire and Commonwealth—even for the entire world—were things to reach that point again after barely fifteen years. It ought to be avoided if at all possible, by whatever means possible and necessary.”

            “Within reason and the law, I take it,” says Martin.

            “Within reason and the law, yes,” confirms Tommy. “A good day’s work to you, Martin.”

            “And to you. You sound exhausted, sir.”

            “Demise of the Crown is an exhausting thing. Much to consider,” says Tommy, and hangs up.

            Martin jots down two pages’ worth of notes, a first draft of a first draft of the proclamation on which the Queen is insisting, and goes back into the room to present it to her, the room where she and her husband are still arguing on either side of an ottoman made from what looks like the stuffed foot of some big game species or another. Somewhere else in the building they can all vaguely hear William speaking in hushed, hurried tones to someone who has already managed to fly in from the Toronto Star, of all papers. Perhaps the person was already in Africa for some other, one assumes some less august and less impressive story? Martin would not be surprised, and he envies such a person.

            “Your Majesty.”

            “Yes, Martin?” She turns to him with her immaculately made-up smile, her immaculate stiffened curls gleaming in the morning sunlight.

            “I have some first notes for your order, ma’am,” he says, and hands her what might be, in the grand sweep of their island story, a poison pill without recent parallel.

            “One moment, Philip,” she says to her husband, who is about to make some caustic remark. She takes up the paper, clears from her throat some of the tears that she has been keeping from her eyes, and begins to read.